Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker! (2001) - Can't Stop the Movies
Can't Stop the Movies
30Oct/101

Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker! (2001)

Danny no longer writes for Can't Stop the Movies, and can be reached at his fantastic site Pre-Code.com

Yes. Mulva.

Danny DISLIKEHappy Halloween, everyone. There are many great Halloween traditions, ranging from Jack-o-Lanterns, piles of chocolate, and, of course, the horror film. I've spent the last couple of days reviewing a few of my favorites, but being so nice for so often leaves me aching to tear a movie apart.

So, from the deepest bowels of Netflix Instant, I bring you a Troma-riffic 59 minute monstrosity, Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker. While that title may be a bit of a misnomer (there is someone named Mulva and there are people dressed as zombies), there is still a breadth of things for you, the viewer, to experience through this short film.

Shot on glorious VHS, Mulva is the story of a chocolate obsessed young woman spending her days eating, breathing, and brushing her teeth with chocolate. She likes to roll around in fun size candy bars of chocolate and strike sexy poses while doing so. Mulva means business.

She also talks in an unmitigated squeal that made my dog's ears perk up. Mulva is about as abrasive as an actor can muster, one note played shrilly. That she's not even the low point in the cast is amazing.

No, there's her friend, Cassie, who reads her lines off of a cardboard cue card and with about as much emotion. There's various sorts of rednecks, nutjobs and whacknuts they run into, including a cackling ninny named Big McLargehuge and the director in a very special role.

Spike Lee is cringing somewhere and he doesn't know why.

You see, not only did Chris Seaver write and direct this film, but he gave himself a supporting role as Mr. Bonejack, the wisecracking black man next door. That Mr. Seaver is not black seemed to be of little consequence when some greasepaint was nearby. I don't know if its admirable or foolish to write yourself a part in your no-budget movie as a wacky stereotype sprouting black man-- oh, wait, foolish. I can't believe it took me that long to figure it out.

The whole of Mulva plays like a third grader's idea of 'being edgy'. That it's a Troma film makes that statement a bit redundant. Writer/director/star/brotha Chris Seaver has made a small career out of said edginess, writing and directing films such as Taintlight, Scrotal Vengeance, and Anal Paprika 3: Menage-a-Death. Here's a link to his filmography in case you don't believe me.

The film is complete garbage, in case I hadn't made it clear yet. Absolutely no expense was incurred in the making of this cheapie, and even with the inclusion of Troma president Lloyd Kaufman and the worst Toxic Avenger costume ever do nothing to elevate this into bemusing category. It's a product of the time and energy of a few people who simply had a video camera and nothing better to do.

But, if you are simply a fan of Troma's house style or someone who embraces independent filmmaking to the extreme that any form of professionalism is looked down upon, or perhaps just a fan of movies that use the word 'ass' in the title, then I'd say don't watch Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker. The 59 minutes you spend watching this film are 59 minutes you could be spending at a licensed therapist.

They'll make all the bad stuff go away, honey.

Posted by Danny

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  1. “Terror at Blood Fart Lake” sounds like it would be a superior film.


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