End of Days (1999) - Can't Stop the Movies
Can't Stop the Movies

End of Days (1999)

Danny no longer writes for Can't Stop the Movies, and can be reached at his fantastic site Pre-Code.com

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Danny DISLIKESo my roommate, Sam, he puts this DVD into the DVD player.

"Sam," I say, "Why did you rent End of Days?"

"Someone told me it was good."

A half an hour later I turned to Sam. "Do you remember who told you this movie was good?"


"Lucky for them."

Arnold Schwarzenegger is in this movie, I'm almost certain of it.

Okay, okay, besides entreating you to that delightful bon mot I came up with (oftentimes I will have to make due with being the only one who appreciates my own wit), why else would I be reviewing End of Days, a completely forgettable movie?

Well, first, I guess it's not completely forgettable. I mean, I watched it last night from when I'm writing this review, and I still remember things about it! For one thing, Arnold Schwarzenegger was a hardbitten alcoholic ex-cop who was now a mercenary but it also suicidal because his family was killed by bad cops he'd turned in. And Gabriel Byrne plays super horny Satan who's come back to earth to mate with a woman named Christina (ho ho!) and who pisses gasoline and sets Kevin Pollack on fire several times. Because he's evil, I guess. Though it is Kevin Pollack...

Oh man, this review is going to turn into word vomit if I don't watch it. What else was there about this movie?

Uh, the film was made and released shortly before the turn of the century, so it is filled with dark ominous music and motions about the doom of the upcoming millennium. There's a pope, though he seems pretty lazy if you ask me, since he never really gets off his ass to prevent the apocalypse. You think the apocalypse would be a pressing concern, but he just sends about a dozen priests to fight the devil.

Mind you, it also appears that only the Catholics are really hassled about the devil's return to earth. And, even then, they mostly just try to kill the woman that is supposed to be Satan's love doll-- which I can't totally blame them for, but the movie has a beef with it. Christina, played by Robin Turney, is pretty damn useless. A plot point personified. She gets taunted and almost raped but luckily Arnie saves her.

Gabriel Byrne learns what it feels like when the poop comes back in.

Arnie plays a suicidal man who wears a bulletproof vest. He's tortured, sad, and pretty dull to watch. This was among the low points in his later career, and the film is a mishmash of tired cliches and unexciting stunt work. That Satan, who is ridiculously overpowered, doesn't just fry Schwarzenegger at the first opportunity, just makes the movie dumber.

Obviously the reality the film depicts, with the Devil wrecking most of New York City with his flammable urine, didn't come to pass at the end of 1999. It's too bad the same can't be said of this movie being released.

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Posted by Danny

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