The Presidio (1988) - Can't Stop the Movies
Can't Stop the Movies

The Presidio (1988)

Danny no longer writes for Can't Stop the Movies, and can be reached at his fantastic site

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Danny DISLIKEAfter the unbearably mediocre experience of watching End of Days last week, I said to myself, Danny, it's time to watch another film by the same director.

No,  I really don't know why. But when I sat down to watch Peter Hyam's The Presidio, it's fairly obvious that the same sort of talent was behind the camera, one that strove to accentuate the obvious and meander through the darkness in the most pat and downright silly police procedural  I've ever seen.

In light of that, I will be spending the rest of this review talking in star Sean Connery's native Scottish brogue. Ahem.

You shee, Tha Preshidio ish a film about a murder on a naval baysh in tha heart of Shan Franshishco. When the asshailants eshcape into the shitty proper, they cross jurisdickshinal lines, and incur the wrath of both the military poleesh and a detetective played by Mark Harmon.

Mark Harmon can't act his way out of a wet paper bag. In this film.

Now you may not know who Mark Harmon is-- and that's becawse the man ish a rube! He's bloody rubbish! Shmirking his way through the most generic role ever written... Ridiculous! He gets to play a police detective who remains cool under presshure-- shtrikes me more of a ninny than anything-- but he even gets to do that cool 'talking down a gun wielding maniac without breaking a shweat schtick.

He has a completely improbable romancshe with Meg Ryan and Shean Sheannery's daughter. She's fairly useless in the film, a tart to throw a wrench in the tha relashonship of the two leading men. Tha character is like wearing underwear yer kilt-- vaguely usheless and completely wrong!

Shean Sheannery ish tha gruff old comandsher of the millitary bashe who doeshn't much like Harmon and hash a tough time opening up to hish daughter... it's a tall order if ya ashk me.

The plot is shilly claptrap-- a load of horse testiclesh if you ever shaw one-- about schmuggling diamondsh through water cooler technology-- rediculoush! And Harmon and Sheannery's investigation-- takes about two minutes! They just follow one guy around and unravel the whole bloody thing!

At least it has motherfucking Sean Connery in it.

The only thing that made this movie even stand out for me (beshides Shir Shean Sheannery) is a cameo appearance by the town I currently live in. If you live in thish town, ash I do, this might be intereshting. But probably not.

All in all, fans of Shean Shonnery should avoid Tha Preshidio, as, without a doubt, it is complete and utter shite. So if you should shomeday feel like swatching this shwitty swilm, don't swucking swame me for its schwucking shitty shucking. Shuck this this shitty shite.

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Posted by Danny

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