Commentary: Fixing Films - Can't Stop the Movies
Can't Stop the Movies

Commentary: Fixing Films

The recent decision by New South Books to make a “friendlier” version of Huck Finn by taking out the word “nigger” and replacing it with “slave” has got studio exces thinking.  If George Lucas can add random CGI into Star Wars and Steven Spielberg can change out guns for walkie talkies in ET, studios can edit out controversial moments in films and try to make it quick buck with a sanitized version of the films.  Below are top-secret excerpts from studio executive emails on how to change some problem areas in their films.

The Last Temptation of Christ- Here is a movie that has one of the best and most respected directors living.  The problem is that people apparently don’t want to see their religious figures being portrayed as human. This an easy fix, just turn Jesus into a regular Joe.  We can change his name to Steve and remove any religious symbolism.  After those edits we have a period piece drama about a wrongly accused man in his last moments of life trying to deal with some serious father issues and deciding where he belongs in the world.  I smell Oscars!

Hey look at me, I am just a regular guy enjoying a brew, no deities here.

Requiem for a Dream- It's time to face facts people, the 3rd act of this movie is kind of a downer.  Lets keep the first 2 acts in tact and take out any moment of “repercussion” that the characters might have near the end.  Gone will be any amputated arms, shock therapy, prison scenes or prostitution (but if we can keep in some nudity for the Jennifer Connelly scenes, that would be great!)  Cut to the ending with Ellen Burstyn on her favorite show, her clean-cut son supporting her, and get rid of any clues that would show that it is all in her head.  This way, the movie ends happily and everyone goes home smiling.

Song of the South- Apparently, people find this movie a little racist and say that the slave characters are portrayed as being okay with slavery.  We can work with this!  First thing, we can reshoot all of the live action scenes and make it more contemporary.  Have Morgan Freeman be Uncle Remus (is that name okay? do we need to change it?) because everyone loves and trusts Mr. Freeman.  For the animated scenes, we can keep the animation but re-voice the characters.  I see Michael Clarke Duncan or Patrick Warburton as Br’er Bear, and Owen Wilson as Br’er Rabbit.  We already have a ride at Disneyland and Disney World so we got that covered, this should and will be a HUGE hit!

Couldn't you see Owen Wilson voicing this lovable scamp?

Full Metal Jacket- People like war films and R. Lee Ermey is fantastic in this movie.  Although, he is very mean to a Private Pyle and you feel sorry for him.  I think the drill sergeant scenes would work a lot better if he were chewing out some 80’s type yuppie, because we hate those guys.  Let’s take Vincent D’Onofrio out and replace him with James Spader. Finally, a classic!

Triumph of the Will- How about we replace Hitler with…  Ok, different idea, we take out all Nazi imagery with…  I think this movie is beyond help. Let's move on.

Babe- Pigs that can talk? Blasphemy! And what about all those poor omnivores in the audience-- aren't talking animals an insult to their lifestyle choices? And the pig says magic words-- double blasphemy! And he obeys a leader of a 'farm' where everyone works together for the greater good-- collectivism! COMMUNISM! Forget Triumph of the Will, this one may truly be the worst yet. Oh, but wait...

The Wizard of Oz- Finally, we have the power. We have the technology. We can make a kid-friendly version of The Wizard of Oz, and then no one will be able to stop us. "Isn't The Wizard of Oz" already kid-friendly?" you may ask. No, not at all. I ask you back, "Why do the monkeys have to be scary? Why is the Wicked Witch portrayed as evil when she is merely being a consumer of fashion? Why don't we get to see Scarecrow's democratic reforms that prove the effectiveness of a limited government? Isn't this what all children must learn?" You may be asking why that matters, but then that just means that all of this is apparently beyond you.

Posted by Ryan

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