Porky's Revenge (1985) - Can't Stop the Movies
Can't Stop the Movies

Porky’s Revenge (1985)

Danny no longer writes for Can't Stop the Movies, and can be reached at his fantastic site Pre-Code.com

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Danny DISLIKEImagine if you will, dear reader, me. I know you probably don't know what I look like, but imagine your average looking white guy (with a goatee!), both hands planted firmly on his head, mouth agape.

This is how Porky's Revenge often left me feeling, a needless sequel to a pair of shitty movies that decides to amp up the plot to cover up the lack of cleverness. God, I know I shouldn't have expected cleverness, but, dammit, you want to watch a movie feels like it was made by humans and not found on the ground surrounded by a gaggle of feces stained monkeys.

Take how the film starts. The heroes of Porky's are all basketball players, and are losing by forty points in a game that could be taking them to the championship. The cheerleaders come over and chastise them for their poor performances, and the boys make a counter offer: they'll win the game for a party with the girls.

Leering? Of course they're leering.

"We're not talking any milk and cookies party," one of them leers. "We want an orgy."

And the girls, because they're in a sex comedy, agree to it.

The male stars of Porky's Revenge are impossibly handsome, winsome, and sexy as well as indescribably desperate. They're also incredibly bland, as they're all white males with little or no defining characteristics-- sans Pee Wee, of course, because he's such a pathetic character that it's almost beyond human comprehension. Jason Biggs screwing an apple pie on national television while having his butt slapped by his repulsed grandmother in almost a teasing way is a more dignified mental image than any given scene containing Pee Wee.

Mind you, it doesn't help that Pee Wee's circle of friends traffics in humiliation and shame. They specialize in blackmail and tricking people to have sex with people they find unattractive-- if the franchise wasn't called Porky's, I'd suggest Future Sociopaths of America as a handy alternative.

Compounding all of this the fact that the actors were all in their mid-20s when they started filming this franchise as sex-hungry high schoolers, but they're still in their senior year and, quite obviously, pushing thirty. This is a grotesque perpetration that often makes them look just as old as the teachers they mock and humiliate with impunity.

Who are these people? Were they in the movie? I don't get it.

The Porky's franchise has always had a lot to do with equating sex with shame. The boys routinely try to get laid and are met with an embarrassment each time, an admittedly honest situation of the teenage male's youthful predicament, but the movie presents it in such an inauthentic manner that its intentions, no matter how universal, don't translate.

Suffice to say, I can certainly imagine teenage boys wanting to get laid, but blackmailing their dominatrix teacher, destroying a riverboat and causing thousands of dollars in damage, watching a stag film in the school library and getting away with it by calling it foreign... I wouldn't say credulity is strained, but rather compromised in shameful, sorrowful ways.

This film is so far distanced from reality it's puzzling. The villain's motives, while often being spoken aloud so that the audience won't be confused ("I will make him flunk this test even if he did pass because I don't like him!") are far more sympathetic than those of the protagonists, which are a myriad of hedonistic and hurtful schemes in the name of debauchery. I think this is the first film I've seen that, afterward, I just wish I could hose it off.

Posted by Danny

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