Wrong Side of Town (2010) - Can't Stop the Movies
Can't Stop the Movies
28Mar/110

Wrong Side of Town (2010)

The inaugural selection I watched for this series was the 2010 action opus "Wrong Side of Town." Before pressing play I had no idea what this movie was about or when it was made. I just saw that a lot of wrestlers and rappers were on the cover holding guns and if anything screams quality filmmaking it is movies with tons of pro wrestlers holding guns.

The movie stars ECW/WWE/TNA star Rob Van Dam as Bobby Kalinowsky, an ex-Navy Seal that has quietly retired and is living a domestic life in the suburbs with his wife and teenage daughter. We first see Bobby and his badass ways when he is cutting a log with his chain saw. The saw gets stuck and it looks like the log won the fight but Kalinowsky brings out his karate chopping skills and shows that log who is boss.

After a very weird and pointless introduction to his daughter Bobby meets his new neighbor Clay. Bobby lets him borrow a hammer and apparently the customary way to repay this kindness is taking out a man you just met and his wife to a club in the city. At the club we meet the main villain's brother, who snorts coke and then tries to rape Bobby's wife in his office. Bobby of course does not take to kindly to this and pulls him off his wife. When the would be sex offender slowly comes after Bobby with a knife Bobby sidesteps the attack and the guy runs himself into his own knife.

After the chainsaw fails, he really shows that log who is boss with some mean karate chopping skills.

Seth the main villain and crime boss of Baton Rouge does not appreciate someone killing his brother, even though technically no one did, and sets a bounty of $100,000 on Bobby's head. He wants Bobby alive, he never says why, so I just assume it is because he wants to kill Bobby himself or possibly to have an intimate dinner My Dinner with Andre style. Since $100,000 is a nice chunk of change every stereotypical gang member in town starts coming after Bobby and his family.

With Clay driving, the four don't make it too far before the bad guys are on their tail. After the slowest and possibly the dullest car chase ever they get away and hide in a parking garage. Here Bobby gets out of the car to cause a distraction so his wife and neighbors can get away. Mister ex-Navy Seal himself runs away from about 10 guys carrying guns and decides that the smartest course of action would be to scurry up a ladder while all 10 guys with guns are right behind him with a wide-open and easy shot. This of course does not work out well for Bobby and he falls down off the ladder onto a dumpster.

The criminal masterminds in this film don't even check to see if the guy is dead and just assume no one could survive a fall from a whole 30 feet up in the air and leave. Of course Bobby isn't dead! He isn't even shot, so why he fell in the first place is up for discussion. Did a bullet get to close and startle him or did he fall off the ladder in the ballsiest game of possum ever? This question is never answered and the only damage from this fall is a limp that the actor uses only when he is not in a fight scene.

After this Bobby meets back up with his wife and neighbors and they ditch the car because all rival gang members communicate with each other so well so everyone knows the car they are driving in. Instead of risking getting home in a car that can drive fast they decide instead to walk in the middle of the night in a city where everyone is looking for them. Pretty soon we have another group of people trying to collect the reward and then we have another horribly blocked, shot and edited fight scene that lasts a whole of 15 seconds. By this time the movie is half over and the body count is ridiculously low for this type of movie. If the film is going to be lacking in plot, direction, acting and set design at least kill off a lot of people.

Look at the guy in the middle with the bandana trying to look tough, isn't that precious?

After talking to the crooked cop at the precinct the four of them try to get away in a cab, which again does not go well and we are treated to another fight scene. This is one of those fight scenes where everyone stands patiently in the background while they attack the hero one by one. This "fight" scene also includes another gigantic wrestler creatively named Animal shuffling about slowly trying to be menacing and Bobby (Rob Van Dam) forgetting about both his limp and the fact he isn't supposed to be Canadian.

Up to this point Bobby had a very well done generic accent but all the sudden he gets flustered and starts talking like a character from Strange Brew. After disposing of the large wrester and his cronies the suburb posse again slowly get away. Bobby tasks Clay, who by this point has become one of the most pointless characters in the history of cinema, to make sure that his wife gets home fine while he goes to get back up. Van Dam remembers he is injured from his fall and limps back into the city (I think all their attempts to get out of town maybe got them 3 blocks away) to find an old friend who owes him a favor.

The old friend is Big Ronnie, played by the WWE's own Batista. It seems that B.R. and Bobby were old Navy friends and Ronnie owes Bobby his life because he took a bullet for him back in the day. If you don't get why Ronnie owes him don't worry in the course of the next 20 minutes Bobby will remind you at least 10 times that he took a bullet for Big Ronnie. Big Ronnie first tries to collect the ransom himself and gets Ja Rule, in one of the most unfortunate cameos ever, to bring him to Seth. Big Ronnie's heart grows three sizes that day and changes his mind shortly after and helps Bobby escape from the trap he himself set.

Notice the look of confusion on the actors faces? This is a very typical look in the film.

After another unfortunate small action scene involving a biker Bobby finally does make it home only to realize that his wife is tied up and his daughter kidnapped. Bobby springs into action and changes into his Navy Seals fatigues and takes off to rescue his daughter. While the daughter is being held we are "treated" to a big dialogue scene between the crooked cop and Seth. It seems that his brother that was killed was not really his brother but actually his son so now Seth is going to even the scales by killing Bobby's daughter. Although to really make it even he would have to give her a knife and let her fall on it but logic is not a strong point for this character. Bobby finally makes it to the meeting point saving the audience from any more acting from the villains or the daughter and takes out the whole four people that Seth brought with him as backup. Of course B.R. also shows up and has a fight with the villains henchman, who before this scene, I thought was just his personal assistant. B.R. takes out his guy and Bobby easily dispatches of Seth and the daughter is rescued thankfully ending this film.

I thought I knew what I was getting into with this movie but I was floored by how awful this movie really was. Not only were the actors wooden, but also the sets, action, direction, editing and script were all abysmal. When you watch B-level action movies you expect some cheap thrills on a low budget but I have seen better productions from local TV commercials. The body count was way too low, the action scenes terrible and boring and the screenwriters cared so little that I don't even think they named half of the characters. This is not only a movie that will make you feel horrible for the time you wasted watching it and at the same time will also make you feel kind of dirty.

Wrong Side of Town (2010)
Written and Directed by David DeFalco
Starring Rob Van Dam, Dave Bautista, Lara Grice

Posted by Ryan

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