C Me Dance (2009) - Can't Stop the Movies
Can't Stop the Movies

C Me Dance (2009)

Danny no longer writes for Can't Stop the Movies, and can be reached at his fantastic site Pre-Code.com

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God works in mysterious ways. I think even those of us who don't believe in a God can agree that, if there was a God, he's probably not making himself blatantly obvious at any given moment.

The premise of C Me Dance takes this basic idea and twists it: okay, besides what's in the Bible, what does God want out of us right now? According to C Me Dance, it's simple: blind, pure obedience to a rigidly dogmatic worldview. In fact, C Me Dance takes it a step further: in this film's interpretation of God, free will is a mistake.

For a movie to take such a stand is... well, hard to respond to. How can any human rationally argue against their own need to rationalize? But that's what C Me Dance does, and, to a lesser extent, it also attempts to wrap this in the cloak of the Lifetime Movie of the Week melodrama.

These characters would tell you something interesting, but God doesn't really want them to.

A woman and her daughter are desperately trying to avoid a semi-truck driver who is angling to push them off the road. No matter what move she makes, she's countered by the fact that she's somehow become the main character of Spielberg's Duel. Crying unto the night, her car explodes in a spectacular fire. The baby, Sheri, survives unscathed.

The beginning of this film is never revisited, except during morose conversations about Sheri's lingering loss. The movie leaves you to presume that, yes, Satan killed her mom while driving around in a semi-truck. One would hope that the creators of this movie put more ideas and energy into the reasoning behind this (maybe the truck is a symbol that represents the self-interested culture of capitalism and its relentless embrace of the immoral practices to maximize profits?), but the lack of further emphasis make the real reasoning behind the opening naked and ugly: it's an attention getter.

This is so we can helpfully be supplied with a half dozen scenes of Sheri and her father, Vince, a decade and a half later still looking sad. Sheri's developed a love of ballet, which is complicated when it turns out she's going to die from a disease. Nothing can be done about it, so sad looks all around.

And that's when Sheri's gift appears. As the jocks at her school attempt to brutally rape her (if you were playing the Lifetime Movie drinking game, I think that'd be a worth at least a shot), she finds that her touch will instill the image of Jesus being nailed to the cross directly into the minds of anyone she touches. They are instantly regretful, and become full fledged, content church-going Christians.

Some interesting things about this:

  • We've once again dipped into the well of the Christian kids being outcast for their beliefs. We've got to make these middle class white people feel like righteous victims!
  • Using the idea of pain as being the way to reveal Jesus's message is unconscionable, and here the only image of Christ that Sheri imparts is that of a hand being nailed to the cross. Is his only value to the Christian faith only that he went through a great deal of suffering?

But I digress. If you think that this scene sounds weird and uncommon, it ain't. As Sheri and Vince realize the powers she possesses, the film becomes a long succession of montages in which Sheri uses this power to forcibly convert people to Christianity, and, well, everyone seems really happy about it. The only person opposed to everyone becoming grinning pawns of the Lord is Satan, and his resistance seems limited to glowering.

"Look, please stop converting people to God." "No!" "Well, fine. I didn't want to have to do this, but I'm going to sit here and pout until you change your mind."

I've made a couple of references to this movie in the past as the golden standard of film that I find detestable, and, while my stance has softened, it's not hard to decry C Me Dance for what it blatantly is: Christianity wank porn. And it's a sad sort of Christianity, one delivered with smug superiority at every opportunity. Even something that attempts to subtly indoctrinate, like The Secrets of Jonathan Sperry, gives its human characters rewards for developing a love for Christ. C Me Dance doesn't dare grant anyone even that much leeway.

If people didn't have the choice to say no to our God, then the world would be perfect. And how fucked up is that? Morally, the plot of this is essentially a Wile E. Coyote scenario, walking further off of the precipice of sanity and keeping himself from looking down.

On one level, I dare say I can empathize. It's an honest fantasy, wanting to have the ability to open other people's eyes to the way you see the world. But the further it twists this idea, the more silly this premise becomes. It's all well and good to walk in another's shoes for a day, it's quite different to have their feet nailed to the floor.

C Me Dance is convoluted and depressing. Coming from writer/director/producer/star Greg Robbins, he has, either purposefully or not, created a zombie film that sports the reanimated corpses not only as the good guys, but as the morally superior faction as well.

This movie makes me want to vomit blood.

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Posted by Danny

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  1. You forgot to mention that the ending is a gigantic “fuck you” from God. I gave the film some credit because seeing the father and daughter completely nonplussed over her new-found God-powers was pretty damn funny, but that’s about all I’ll give it credit for. Even “Cyber Seduction” was more subtle in its message. Think about that a second.

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