Monster Dog (1984) - Can't Stop the Movies
Can't Stop the Movies

Monster Dog (1984)

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Alice Cooper must've had some time to kill. Or he hates dogs. Or really is a werewolf. One of these has to be the reason for Monster Dog, a cheesy low budget Spanish flick that barely coheres as an experience, let alone a narrative.

The film stars Cooper-- in a stunning stretch--as a rock and roller. He's headed out to the country with a van full of future victims to shoot a rock video. They're mostly wearing knitted sweaters, including Cooper, making them about as much sex and rock and roll as your average glee club teacher.

Speaking of being a singer, Cooper gets a pair of numbers here. One's fairly unremarkable, but the other...

As a writer, there are occasions that words are insufficient to properly encapsulate an experience. Yes, I know it's a sad thing to have to admit, but there's no possible way I can use words to properly discuss the travesty of this film's opening song, "Identity Crisis." Sang with all of the aplomb of a man who hears his career's death rattle, I present the video for your own consumption and judgement:



So Cooper and his band of misfits arrive at his ancestral home to find the caretaker missing and rumors abounding of a pack of dogs that are stalking the night, murdering whoever gets in their way.

Before you begin to think we're seeing some strange, werewolf-centric heavy metal remake of The Hound of The Baskervilles (which would have been kind of awesome), you'll soon find that instead we're treated to what the majority of the film is: Grade A padding.

First we witness a sheriff and his deputy get stalked and killed by the pack of dogs, as well as the titular Monster Dog. And that's the end of that. It's never brought up again, has nothing to do with anything... and, yes, I know it's a cliche in horror films to gut a couple of minor characters to get the ball rolling, but it's handled in such a sterilized fashion that it's neither thrilling, foreboding, orĀ  relevant. It is simply time killed.

And a majority of the film feels like that. One girl, Angela, has a five minute long dream sequence revealing the upcoming murder of all of her friends-- cheekily, her shirt has the word 'Dream' emblazoned on it. Later, Angela wanders off, taking Cooper away from the house long enough to pad out the arrival of a gang of rednecks ready to put a silver bullet between our lead lycanthrope's eyes.

"Thanks for randomly wandering off. Let's go rejoin the plot already in progress!"

The rednecks show up, including one who looks like Alan Arkin from Wait Until Dark, plotting to kill Cooper with a silver bullet. Things turn violent, and we soon see how ridiculously easy it is for our non-characters to turn to murderers themselves.

There's more plot, and possibly a werewolf and/or Monster Dog who is composed of something a step or two below a hand puppet, but that is still just more crap on the crap pile. Cooper can't really acquit himself from playing a bland man in a bland movie, as any fleeting senses of joy or humor are simply ruses. There is violence and violence and then it's over.

Finally, the movie ended. Netflix came up, asking me how I would rate Monster Dog. Out of five stars, I'd give it a 'go fuck yourself'.

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Posted by Danny

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