Words inspire women to become something other than themselves, because the last thing any man wants is a woman comfortable in her skin. Words cause men to become lying deviants, with the only exception the women who are trying to act more like men. Words translate into tunes written by men who are so aching to feel they add drum loops to Savage Garden songs, dumb down the lyrics, and pass them off as honest expressions of loneliness and heartache.
These lessons, and more, are why I am struggling to give a damn about Think Like A Man.
This also led me to a series of questions. Have I become so accustomed to the way the entertainment market is catered to my gender that a film dedicated entirely to "thinking like a man" strikes not a single chord of rage in me? Are gay panic jokes so prevalent in mainstream romantic comedies that when stereotypes are paraded around I can't find a single thing wrong with it? Is there not a single way to film romantic comedies with visual flair?
In quick response - no, no, and yes (for starters, (500) Days of Summer.)
At first, I thought I didn't hate this film. Then I realized it neutered my ability to think for too long. Shortly thereafter, the hate began to grow.
It's boring, features a cast that should be off doing better things, and a number of things I'd rail against in a different forum but here I'm treating it with indifference. A lot of this has to do with the fact that Think Like A Man is the cinematic equivalent of someone trying to sell you on the idea that the shower you took three weeks ago is the most exciting moment of your life.
I remember infomercials better than I remember those showers. If you watch Think Like A Man only once, you will forget Think Like A Man, just like any other infomercial in existence. Sine the infomercial discussed today is all about the wonderful relationship advise offered by the world's unhappiest comedian, Steve Harvey, it's not the best association to make with the product Harvey wants to sell.
Harvey, as a comedian, always looks like he'd rather be anywhere than where he is. Sitting down watching this movie, I share in his sentiment. As a writer, he seems to do his best to try and convince people they'd rather be reading anything than what is in their hands. As an actor, he has a default facial expression of "Someone dumped a cup of urine on me." Thank God someone finally had the bright idea to adapt his thoughts and utilize his performance skills in one of the worst films of 2012.
Think Like A Man is a black hole of thought. The premise, execution, and result is all "Steve Harvey wrote a book and wouldn't it be a hootenany if his flimsy archetypes were real?" The archetypes are all played by performers I love, so I won't drag them into this belabored ode to boredom. They live, they love, they all find happiness because they follow the words of Harvey.
Words like "settle" if you aren't finding what you want. Because if there's anything we should want from women it's to degrade themselves for my benefit. Words that form exchanges like, "Dreams are good," "It's nice to hear a woman actually say that." Oh dear, if there's one thing I needed to be educated on it's the simple fact that women have dreams. Then incomprehensible words from Italian interior designers fill the soundtrack with constant annoyance. It's strange the film managed to take every other opportunity to make gay panic jokes and missed the one so broadly offensive it would have passed as acceptable in this movie.
When I wake up tomorrow I plan on sighing heavily, shutting off my alarm, then taking a shower in the hope that it'll wash away the memory of this movie. Based on the available evidence, tomorrow will be a good day.