Not Feeling Special In Small Rooms - Can't Stop the Movies
Can't Stop the Movies

Not Feeling Special In Small Rooms

Depression Expression #2


Previous entry: Nine Day Breakdown

At about 9 o'clock this morning, I was sitting in a x-ray dressing room by myself. The nurse had left because some technical hangup with the room we were using required us to wait until the other was available. So I sat in that small room, desperately trying not to panic, when that traitorous whisper started to creep back into my mind.

"I'm not special."

This is not my whisper. I recognize this now. But it sure felt like my whisper when I started feeling this way a couple of months back. I had gotten my résumé together and was back on the prowl for work. When I wasn't getting hits as quickly as I'd hoped, I started to despair and talk with my mom (as I've done more of these days). She started telling me how my job hunt shouldn't take too long because of how smart and talented I am.

The whisper hissed at me, "I'm not special."

I imagine, even if I was healthier, that if my primary contact with healthcare providers is through abandonment in rooms - intended or not - and employment opportunities a series of cold prompts where human contact seems rare that I would not feel cared for. Not that I have any expectation of potential employers caring (especially in our cold times), and with technology how it is it's easier to apply for jobs now than ever before, but healthcare and employment are two pillars of stability I need to know I can rely on. Right now the healthcare portion is shaky and the employment aspect is nonexistent until I get this stone out of me and improve my health.

The inattention and disregard whisper at me, "I'm not special."

What I'm struggling with, every time the whisper creeps back, is the idea that I am special and I know I'm special. It's difficult to feel that way, if not borderline impossible, when I leave the few places I feel safe and am left in silence. I have to convince myself in these moments because the systems I rely on aren't going to step in and I can't get myself to go away, so I've tried to find ways to remind myself that yes I'm special and yes I'm worth it and yes I am going to get through this.

I am special.

My x-ray nurse recognized how uncomfortable and scared I was. She apologized for the wait and asked me if I needed her to get me anything. Two small gestures but I felt seen in the middle of all the medical machinery. It was like when my doctor touched my shoulder briefly earlier still. I sometimes jump at unexpected touch but I didn't when he lightly grabbed. It was tender like the nurse's later care was for me. They were moments I didn't realize I needed until later on in the day, now, when I'm reminding myself that I am worth fighting for. Even if I don't always see it, there's someone out there who might and I can see that bit of myself in their touch no matter how brief.

I am special, even when I feel like I'm not.

I've been so wrapped up placing my self-worth solely in what I can do for people that when things have gone wrong I collapse. Until recent years they were private collapses, taking moments to curse myself or cry where no one could see me. Being in pain and unable to be as helpful as I want right now does not make me any less important to my wife, family, cats, friends, and loved ones. I do not need to feel like the support pillar all of the time. I can still be me, find a way back to my feisty and passionate self, without feeling like I'm becoming just another person because no such nobody exists. All of my interactions - your interactions - carry individual sparks.

I am special, you are special, we are special.

I am special.

I am special.

I am special.

I am here.

Today's image comes from Room, the 2015 film starring Brie Larson, and today I resonated with that despair of being confined to one role in limited space while still finding a way to power through.

Next entry: Exhausting Love

Please help me if you can:

Posted by Andrew

Filed under: 2019 Leave a comment
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  1. Indeed you are, I’m here for you in any way I can be.

  2. What you are explaining resonates so deep for me. You have a heart and a talent for helping. And as you move through this period you are still helping by letting others care for you and about you. Being vulnerable enough to recieve the help others can give is hard. You are doing so many hard things right now. 💛 I believe in you!

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