Exhausting Love - Can't Stop the Movies
Can't Stop the Movies

Exhausting Love

Depression Expression #3


Previous entry: Not Feeling Special In Small Rooms

Don't force it.

I wrote that about ten minutes ago. I wasn't going to force the writing if it wasn't going to come. Then I started thinking about how tired I am. Not trying to dwell in it is difficult, especially since pain medications that work put me in a state of almost hyper-aware melancholy. After the panic attack last week, melancholy seems almost preferential, but that doesn't do much for the depression that remains.

But I didn't sleep well. Barely slept today. And now I mused on my exhaustion before a memory drifted in of something a loved one told me a long time ago.

"Andrew, you're exhausting to love."

That's not a great thing to hear. Telling anyone that's close to you that the greatest emotion they could feel for you is tantamount to the state I feel today is a rough comparison. In a certain light it could be seen as mean. Destructive, even.

Here's the problem. That's not what I was told. Almost as soon as the memory floated into view I remembered the reality.

"Andrew, we love you, but you're exhausting."

Maybe you don't see this as any better than the previous but there's an important shift for me. First is in the memory. I've been equating my relationships to people, even if they were happy, as being exhausting regardless of whether that was true or not. I was always going to be some kind of weight to them that makes normal existence more tiring than if I wasn't there.

But my memory was wrong. And I have to wonder, just how much of my perception has been screwed up by living with depression that was only diagnosed four years ago? It seems like a long time, four years, to be on different medications, going to different doctors, and spending hours mired in uncertainty about where my health and life were going.

That's little compared to the nineteen, almost twenty, years I spent living with this depression. How many relationships came and went that were tainted by this depression during that time? I'm not just talking about romantic partners, but friendships as I moved from state to state, family members who have since passed on, even pets. All of them have memories and emotions attached to them that went through my damaged filter.

The reason I'm not despairing right now and feel somewhat motivated by both the memory returning and the revelation is that I still have loved ones from those years. No matter how damaged I feel, or the weight I imagined I was putting on people, there are still people willing to tell me that they love me because they love me without qualifiers.

And even though I'm in pain with another surgery on the horizon working on little rest, I was still able to correct my memory. Better to say - the memory that was always there emerged from the pain and corrected the course my emotions and mind were on. Whatever disconnect I've been feeling from myself seems to be fixing itself as I write.

I have ideas now. Ways I can start thinking about and considering this depression without making myself the weight in it. Ways that I can keep this motivation going.

It's good I didn't try to force it.

Today's image is from Ingmar Bergman's Cries and Whispers featuring selfless comfort for the sick.

Next entry: "Better" Body

Please help me if you can:

Posted by Andrew

Filed under: 2019 Leave a comment
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  1. Way to go brain. That was a pretty heavy, and timely, correction. 💛

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