Numb Day - Can't Stop the Movies
Can't Stop the Movies

Numb Day

Depression Expression #6

Previous entry: Codependent Creators

Note of caution before I proceed: if you're reading this and are on antidepressants, please talk to your doctor before reducing or discontinuing your treatment.

I note that because I made the decision to stop taking my antidepressants late last year. I knew well enough that stopping them entirely would be a disastrous decision, so I slowly tapered my dosage down over the course of a month. My psychiatrist and I had already successfully weaned me off of two other medications I needed to function and I thought I could regain some focus while tapping back into myself by removing the last one. Problem was I couldn't afford regular psychiatric appointments anymore, so the decision was made entirely by myself.

My judgment was poor as the slow then rapid decline of my mental health has shown this year. After going to the ER at the end of April, the doctor treating me suggested I go back on my antidepressants. Considering I had nearly lost all feeling in my hands and feet from a massive panic attack, to say nothing of the escalating bouts of sadness in between the pain, I agreed. So she wrote me a refill prescription for the Zoloft I was taking and, on top of the pain medications and appointments, I've been slowly getting back on track with the antidepressants.

Today I felt numb, a sign specific to me that they're starting to work again. My mental and emotional cocktail of diagnoses means that when I'm in the grips of the worst parts of my depression I feelย  wildly and despair at it all. It's like experiencing an uncontrollable urge to help while convincing myself that nothing I do is going to work and, despite that nagging voice, that I have to get started on this task I know is going to fail right away.

I know "numb" doesn't sound like a desired state and if it lasts longer than my recovery I do have cause to worry. But until 2015 my primary way of interacting with the world was through that self-destructive helper exhaustion. It's hard enough for me to be still and sleep, even after all the therapy and medications I've needed, so a state that puts my body and mind at rest for a day is healthy for the moment.

And that's also why I don't have much today, which is a-okay.

Image comes from L'Humanite, the 1999 French film about a police officer who becomes an open nerve after stumbling on a horrific crime scene.

Next entry: Borderline Millennial Cautionary Tale

Please help me if you can:

Posted by Andrew

Filed under: 2019 Leave a comment
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  1. ๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ‘

    I understand both your choice to wean off and restart Zoloft. I hope you can rest.

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