Borderline Millennial Cautionary Tale - Can't Stop the Movies
Can't Stop the Movies

Borderline Millennial Cautionary Tale

Depression Expression #7

Previous entry: Numb Day

For the brief spat of time I was in the lithotripsy pool, I at least attained some kind of calm. R, the anesthesiologist (using initials to maintain some anonymity for them), was extremely kind. Before the procedure started he visited me and knelt down to meet my line of vision while discussing what I'd be feeling and the drugs used. As I lay in the pool he was answering my questions about why he wanted to be in anesthesiology over other fields (paraphrased answer: fascinated by unconscious mind and to bring calm).

The nurses, M and Q, did not play a single round of cards while I was in their care. Instead, they used that time to check on my comfort and make sure that I was all set to go when the overseeing urologist - Dr. B - came in to explain her end. There was one point in particular that M helped me out a lot.

M: *while checking vitals* Do you feel safe at home?

Me: Yes.

M: Do you ever feel like hurting yourself?

Me: Yes.

M: *stops dividing attention, looks straight at me* When was the last time you thought of hurting yourself?

Me: Well. Um. Like when I had to go to the ER a couple of weeks ago. I wanted to feel something else than anything I was feeling.

M: *slowly* And how are you feeling now?

Me: Uh...complicated?

I start crying.

M: *walks over to tissue box, takes out two tissues* Tissues.

I take the tissues.

M: *gives my left foot a quick squeeze walking back* I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you upset with my questions.

It was the little squeeze that put me back into a shaky if otherwise serviceable orbit. Later on we'd talk about different things I could drink to try and lessen my kidney stone formation (we have a shared love of lemonade). Things looked up.

Then came the moment I was in the lithotripsy pool and the x-ray machine kept pivoting, which I was able to see since I hadn't been administered the rest of the needed anesthetics. It pivoted. I waited. Started listening. "Is it behind the bone?" Unsure who said that. But as time kept drifting on and I didn't go to sleep the pit in my gut opened up as I heard, "Sorry bud, it's just not the day."

More time. More pain. More uncertainty. And none of these things worrying me were some abstract concept in the future my anxiety conjured up. They were present factors as I went to get another CT scan and things continued to shift in pain.

Between my general failure to generate revenue as a writer, the month-to-month financial situation, uncertain insurance future, pending bill avalanche, and stream of life-disrupting pain I'm at the point where it feels one bad day is going to cost me everything. Then the sum of my efforts these last few years will amount to a cautionary tale.

At least tomorrow is virtually guaranteed to be less disappointing than today.

Next entry: Guiding Lights

Please help me if you can:

Posted by Andrew

Filed under: 2019 Leave a comment
Comments (2) Trackbacks (0)
  1. 真心不错,不得不支持一下先!

Leave Your Thoughts!

Trackbacks are disabled.